Tuesday, August 18, 2015

late summer reflections

This summer has been oddly familiar.

Remember those teenage years when the full range of human emotions could be felt within a span of 8 hours?

You'd wake up before your alarm went off, and unlike the other 98% of mornings, you actually felt refreshed and inspired. Your hair fell into place without a fight, there were a less-than-usual amount of zits that needed camouflaging, and your clothes fit just like they were supposed to. There was a lightness in your step as you floated to the bus stop. You were Invincible. And then you'd get to school where *something* would happen during math that seemed like The Worst Thing In The Whole World (it could be any number of silly things, but it was ALWAYS during math). That afternoon you'd return home in a pool of nothingness. Defeated. Something about being 15 makes every experience come at you loud and hard, either resulting in a pure, blissful euphoria or uncontrollable sobbing under the covers of your bed, which you vowed to never to leave again. Often only moments apart.

That's this summer.

Looking back at posts from Ghosts of Summers Past unearthed this silly thing from five years ago. Is it possible to feel the mourning of your own life that has somehow slipped away without your permission?





The days of those little boys is a hazy memory.

There was an incident awhile back involving police being called out to our house while I was at work. Although the end result was them saying that my son needed "serious mental help" (ya think?), suffice it to say that the whole thing pushed me over the edge emotionally. The next night we went swimming, where I was able to brain dump on two of my closest friends. All the thoughts and swirls of emotion and lack of direction came purging out despite my best efforts to maintain composure. "The police were in my house. Where there are still cement floors everywhere. Like we're freaking hobos. And in my bedroom...where there are baskets of laundry everywhere...and candles...and who knows what left on the floor. Why can't I get my stupid act together and pick up my crap instead of leaving it on the floor all the time? And - OH LORD - they saw the sign. They had to have seen the sign."




Eventually your heart starts to ask the "WHOSE LIFE IS THIS?" question that your brain won't stop shouting. It can't be mine. It's like my whole reality isn't reality at all...it's just some movie. A crappy movie, at that. Everything that has happened these past 8 months? How can so many devastating events come in such a tight formation?

Life cannot keep being this dramatic.

THINGS LIKE THIS DO NOT HAPPEN TO NORMAL PEOPLE.

We didn't get back home from swimming until almost midnight. As we unloaded the car, Roger brought me an envelope that had come in the mail while we were gone that afternoon. It was obviously a card of some sort, but I didn't recognize the return address.

You guys.

THINGS LIKE THIS DON'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO NORMAL PEOPLE.


A blog reader out there in the interwebs went so far above and beyond that to this day I cannot even process it. Not only the kindest, most lovely note of encouragement...but also this.




A gift card telling me to pick up my weary load, hold my head high, and for heaven's sake - go get an area rug for your bedroom already.

For all of you out there carrying more than seems manageable: do not give up. The Lord has not forgotten you. Your circumstances may try to take you down. Do not let them. Angels will appear and those unfathomable Tender Mercies?

They are coming.


{Speaking of Tender Mercies, school starts next week. I'll see you then.}

24 comments:

  1. Beautiful words. And feelings expressed that most of us are afraid of admitting. You are brave. You are strong.

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    1. Definitely a case of "fake it til you make it"! Maybe if I keep saying things like that it'll eventually be true? ;)

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  2. You have been an inspiration to all of us for *I don't know how long* -- oh so many years. :-)

    You are the best!!! The laundry baskets indicate that you live there. But, if they bother you that much, check out this site: www.flylady.net.

    Mom of 3 is right: you are brave and strong!

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    1. Sharon! You now have a photo next to your comment. So awesome to be able to put a face to a name!! Obviously the laundry baskets can't *really* bother me or I would've taken care of them, right? Something about summer makes me want to hibernate and not lift a finger. Until things go beyond my (always fluctuating) threshold of mess tolerance and then it's CLEAN UP ALL THE THINGS OBSESSIVELY.

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  3. Oh my goodness. Tears are flowing down my face. I am, right this moment, in the middle of exactly such a situation. I feel like so helpless and hopeless. But this? This gives me hope. I don't need an area rug for my bedroom, but I will start looking for my own Tender Mercies. I'm sure that it will appear before I know it. Thank you for sharing your hope with me.

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    1. Solidarity, dear reader!! When deep in the trenches we ALL need a metaphorical "area rug" to remind us that things will be okay. It may look like a friend who kidnaps you for a Happy Hour Sonic Dr Pepper, or a dollar theater movie that gives you a good two hours of distraction from reality. I've apologized to the Lord on sooooo many occasions for all of my harsh words that have been sent in His direction. It's hard to "do" trials gracefully....even after all this time.
      You'll be in my prayers tonight!

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  4. AAaw! People are SO nice (sometimes!). That's so lovely. And only special kinds of people attract people that kind. Don't forget that. And if the cops saw the sign, I reckon it gave them a probably much needed giggle! x

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    1. No doubt it made the report. "The kid is whack, the house is a mess, and the mother is clearly a loose woman and a 40DD, based on the evidence found on the floor." HAHAHA!!!

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  5. I also am "in the trenches" at the moment. You always remind me that there are good things too and that it will be ok. My mantra this last year has been its all good. I keep thinking if I say it enough, it will seep in far enough to give me peace. Keep up the good fight, we are all in this togetheršŸ˜€

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    1. Girl, if you're down there you can come and sit by my fire! I agree that keeping the self-talk positive helps, but even then you eventually get to a point where it just feels downright delusional ;) Praying for you and your spirit to remain strong amidst the winds!

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  6. Just when things seem to be the worst there is a ray of sunshine! What a lovely thing for that person to do for you. Just what you needed at that moment was that ray of sunshine.
    Although what I've been dealing with lately is way different than what you are dealing with, I sure can feel what you are going through.
    I just keep thinking my husbands motto in times like this "This too shall pass" and I'm sure it will, but I keep wondering when. Stuff just piles up, doesn't it?
    I'm sure the police have seen much much worse than what they saw in your home. And that "sign" in the bedroom? They probably thought it was great.
    Hang in there and bask in that ray of sunshine whenever possible.
    (((((hugs)))))

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    1. Trials are trials, be they physical or emotional. I don't know what it's like to have a piece of my body so worn out that it has to be replaced :) It must be very humbling to have to put your trust in others to help you do what you cannot do for yourself. See? Kinda the same thing. Hugs right back at you!!

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  7. I want to come over there and give you the biggest hug! I enjoy your blog so much...I stayed up way too late to read the whole thing one night. The devil always preys on the strong and valiant. You my dear, are way more than that. You're one of the good ones; he will never win. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family tonight. I hope our Heavenly Father swoops down and takes you in His arms and just holds you for awhile. Always know you are loved and never alone. Xoxo beautiful lady.

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    1. Oh Jennifer (and Jeff?) - from the beginning? That is craaaaazy!!! Truly a compliment...or an indication of how badly you needed to be put to sleep ;) Thank you for your words of support. Some days I believe it. Other days I truly wonder if it's not just punishment for something I must have done...HAHA!

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  8. Awww, that is so sweet! I'm sorry you are going through a tough season. I'm happy that angels are there to tend you! You are my favorite blogger. For reals. And that's not just because most of the other blogs out there have disappeared, lol! You've always been my fave ;)
    I'm not exactly sure if it helps but your house sounds quite normal to me, at least normal around here.

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    1. What??!! You must be one of my angels, with all that sweet talk :) I have made a vow to get better about posting and I mean it this time. When things get difficult it's easy to hunker down and close up, and while that is healthy for awhile, it doesn't seem to help long term. There is strength to be found in transparency...at least that's how it feels.

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    2. No pressure! Seriously, your posts are like little gifts. I like to be surprised when I check in and a new one is there. If not, sometimes I just reread the old ones. Wait, that sounds a little creeperish. I totally mean it in a not creeper way. Just in a "I like to zone out and be entertained by someone that knows" kinda way.
      I agree with the hunkering down during difficult times. We call it "circling our wagons" around here. Speaking of difficult times...today is the third day of school and I already received a phone call from one of my boys teachers. Lovely.

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  9. HI Rebecca, Perhaps this post will inspire you, as it did me.
    Blessings.
    http://www.recoveringchurchlady.com/

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    1. I cannot thank you enough for that link. Beautifully written!!

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  10. OK so this made me cry. I find myself being that tender mercies deliverer a lot...and not really being the recipient. It's wonderful that you experienced that from someone who you don't even know. God is faithful and He always has a way of showing us. I think I'll keep my eyes open wider to His signs. So thankful to have found your blog. I'm loving it!

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    1. There is no way that you can sow such merciful seeds without eventually having them come back at you tenfold, so watch your back! :) I wish there was some way to experience miracles and somehow skip the rock bottom part, but then they wouldn't nearly make such an impact. Or at least that's what I tell myself to keep from jumping off the nearest cliff...good thing there aren't too many of those to be found in Texas...

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