Friday, April 24, 2015

still breathing

Life has an interesting way of plunging you down to the deepest of places, devoid of light and air and anything else you need to survive, and then finishing you off with a swift scissor kick to the face.

You want to get up.

You try to get up.

But after the umpteenth time of being shoved to the ground, you just get a freakin' pillow because it's obvious that you're gonna be there for awhile so you might as well get comfy. Should anyone dare to ask how you're doing? You literally freak them out with a full on melt down because faking bliss never was your gift.



This constant state of instability, as it turns out, is something I cannot do gracefully. I can talk the talk when it comes to being patient in trials, counting blessings, and choosing joy, but it the end I switched to waterproof mascara because it's just easier that way.



The thing that sucks about mothering struggles is that they don't just involve one person. It's dang near impossible to walk the line between being authentic without crossing into the no-fly zone of oversharing. I couldn't stand it when my mother used to blab on about the latest trouble I was getting into growing up, and no doubt it would've been infinitely worse had there actually been a WORLD WIDE web. So let's just say that we're finishing up counseling with one, beginning the long journey of diagnosis/therapy with another, bullies have been stopped, husbands gone for 5 weeks of training out of state have returned, and The Great Purge of 2015 continues. When things spiral out of control, nothing feels quite so good as throwing crap out and organizing the rest.



Those of you who have sent your happy thoughts, or cookies from Austrailia (Sam!) or books that are now on my nightstand (Kristi!),


or emails of encouragement or any other little ray of sunshine that make life just a bit more bearable to know that I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Blogging is the first thing that goes by the wayside when things get critical around here. Somehow it seems that everything "extra" gets cast aside all in the name of saving energy. Until I look around and begin to wonder if that maybe some of those routines were the things that created the energy in the first place?

And so here we are.

I can't promise daily posts....great photography...even coherent sentences may be too much to ask. But I'll be here. Sharing trivial fluff to build up my strength to make it through the heavier things that really matter.


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{epilogue: one of my children - who shall remain nameless - was admitted to a psychiatric hospital this morning. We're not quite sure when he gets to come home. As my beloved friend and I followed the ambulance, I was laughing through the tears at the irony of just drafting this post the night before. All of my talk about remembering to still do things that lighten your heart no matter what? HA! It was as the universe had played some kind of cruel practical joke. Or perhaps, as she so lovingly pointed out, "an opportunity to put your money where your mouth is." And so I share this ever so small glimpse into my reality to inspire those of you wrestling with devastation tonight to remember what lightens your heart. Do not let go of it when the wind begins to howl.}


20 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say, but didn't want to read this post without commenting. Best, best wishes for good things to come for your family.

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  2. First: Yay! Welcome back! A beautiful post that really resonates with me. Hanging on to what feel like the little trivial things because they sometimes can help pull us through the crap.
    Second: Holy Shit. The Gods really do have a funny way of calling our bluff. You show them just what you're made of sista!
    Third: My love and light to you all... fight fight fight! xxx

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  3. As Mitch said above, I don't know that I can contribute to the conversation, but I am here and reading. I was wondering how you had been, since your last post was long ago. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way. Find joy

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  4. I used to work at a Psychiatric Treatment Center. I'd watch the parents as they admitted their children and I remember thinking it had to be hardest thing ever. Some looked really relieved though at the mere thought of respite. I'll pray that your child will be receptive to what they have to offer instead of fighting the system. I'll pray for your mental stability during this process to balance what needs to be done via treatment and maintaining a healthy environment at home. Maybe, in true Rebecca fashion, you should start planning the costume you'll show up in to family therapy?! ha! Allow yourself to laugh. Know that you are a great mom. Don't believe the lies that will try to creep into your head. God is bigger than this, friend.

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  5. Life totally sucks sometimes. I'm so sorry.

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  6. I have a teenage daughter who is struggling mightily and who I'm sometimes afraid for. You are so not alone out there. Big hugs to you.

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  7. Yes, you're not alone. Our youngest son was admitted to the psyche ward a few years ago - oh, the shock ! So sharp and sudden. I still remember the heartache but luckily for us, that hurdle was long since surmounted. I'm a person who needs to share, to talk, to confide and I felt so alone. And we were struggling against a backdrop of unemployment and newly relocated. You will get through this and yes, doing something routine, or relatively mundane occasionally WILL help as will doing something creative. One day at a time. Laugh as much as you can. This too shall pass.

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  8. I don't know you, but I will say that America has some big set of blinders on when it comes to mental health. Many people are struggling and feel like they are failing. Many mental health issues begin with puberty. Hormones and brain development have so much to do with each other. I've also learned a lot is genetic. My sister died after fighting and medicating and struggling for close to six years. I used to feel angry at her or hurt at her choices. Now I just wish I would have told her more often how much I love her.
    "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart..."

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  9. I'm here loving you from many miles away. Loving you and your precious beautiful individual children. Loving your family who is bound together through all the generations who have passed and all those to come. Xoxo Heather

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  10. So very sorry that you and your family are struggling through this. Yes, I agree that our culture tends to ignore psychiatric problems and try to blame them on something. Maybe there is simply nothing TO blame. Doesn't help when it is your baby.
    Prayers for you, yours and all who struggle with this. Including me.

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  11. I'm with Jaz.............life does totally suck sometimes. I couldn't not comment either. I'm so, so sorry for your pain and sadness. All I can offer is prayer for you and your family.............

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  12. Oh, Rebecca, my heart just aches for you. I know that feeling of being sucker punched again and again and again and feeling like you will never recover. You think You just can't handle this, that you will never feel joy again; that the hurt and despair and pain will never go away. Hold on to that wonderful man of yours and talk and love and counsel with him. Turn to the Savior for help and guidance and peace. If you feel like you just can't do anymore, turn it all over to Him. I promise you, you will be able to get through these hard times, You are so loved💓

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  13. I'm a stranger to you, but I've loved your blog for a long time. I feel your pain. My own child suffers from a mental illness, and I've been in more hospitals and met more mental health professionals than I care to count. I know that it's a heartbreaking, scary, anxiety-filled time for you. Please know you're not alone. Things may not get easier, but you'll become strong enough to cope with them. Look for the laughter when you can, and cry when you have to. Best wishes.

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  14. I am one of those children whose mental health required professional help. I'm now a "stable" adult who works a full-time job and has a family. When you're in the thick of things, it's hard to see that things will ever get better, but they will. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  15. Keeping you, your family and the hospital staff (that they may be able to provide your child with the help needed) in my thoughts and prayers.

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  16. I can't say anything more or different than anyone has already commented, but please add me to the list of people that "missed" you, believe in you and honestly, truly UNDERSTAND.

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  17. Welcome back, friend, to your readers who adore, support and pray for you and your family. I checked in today to say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! Please have a laugh: https://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10428600_10152106996121216_2519106774084629682_n.jpg?oh=090e93590e431c14337a1e494cbadfd2&oe=560A262D
    And keep breathing, please.

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  18. I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time of it. A while ago, I tried to find your e-mail so I could see how things were going and I couldn't find it on your blog anywhere. I was checking often to see if you had posted, then my hip got a lot worse and I can't sit for long at the computer and checking blogs went down the drain. I just found these new posts and will be catching up. I can only imagine what you are going through and so sorry to hear your son is in the hospital, I will keep you all in my prayers. As much as the internet can be very impersonal, it can also bring you people who care. Hang in there sweetie, I know there are a lot of us pulling for you and yours. (((((hugs)))))

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