Saturday, April 5, 2014

the paradox of blogging

 To answer some questions:

- I'm not dead. At least as of right now.

- I never thought an "office job" would fulfill me as much as it has. If you get a message on your phone from your State Farm agent and it's some girl singing Happy Birthday, you're welcome. My boss said we need to call people on their special day, I say they also need a song. On a related side note, I may have to start bringing my ukelele to work.

- I haven't been spending way too much time watching every version of anything Jane Austen available on Netflix. Wait...yes I have. But in my defense, what else are you supposed to do late at night while your husband is out of town for what feels like an eternity? Plus who knows when we're going to get another season of Sherlock. A girl has gotta make do.

Here's the thing. As much as I love to be out and about, both online and in real life, there is a huge part of me that doesn't. I'm the most introverted extrovert you ever did meet.




We talked about it last year, and it still holds true more than ever: this blogging thing is a strange creature. The sad truth is that I can't remember life before it. It's been six years, and as much as I vow that I can walk away because everything has been said, there is this nagging. This internal tug that IRRITATES ME TO NO END because the more it's ignored, the harder it pulls. I've come to realize that I spend *more* energy trying to tell my brain to shut up all ready than if I would just pop in once a week and get it over with. That sounds frighteningly like someone who needs an intervention and placement in a 12 step program, doesn't it?

"The emotional obsession is described as the cognitive processes that cause the individual to repeat the compulsive behavior after some period of abstinence, either knowing that the result will be an inability to stop or operating under the delusion that the result will be different." ~AA

Sigh.


Anybody out there know how to fix this?




This book had been sitting on my shelf for awhile, and as I walked out the door to take the boys swimming at our local rec center one Saturday afternoon, I shoved it in my purse to pass the time. It was all fun and games until these words slapped me in the face.

"It takes work to show up, to be present, to engage your ideas and escort them with love and attention from seedling to full grown, leafy, living art. But don't be fooled- it takes work to ignore it too. And that work can be just as painful, if not more so- running from the voice, hiding from the inspiration, denying the way you were made, pretending you don't care about the art. Are you going to do the work of hiding, or are you willing to show up and do the work of the art?"

{A Million Little Ways, by Emily Freeman}

I'm not a crier by any stretch of the imagination, but oh did the tears well up and spill over onto those pages. Followed by feelings of sadness. Anger. Determination. And defeat. All wrapped up in one big emotional cocktail that I still haven't figured out how to swallow.

I look in my post editor and see rough drafts full of things that don't matter. The brief, intentional times I wade into the waters of Pinterest leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth that there is nothing left under the sun that hasn't been beaten to death already. It sickens me to be guilty of adding to all that superfluous noise that we shouldn't even be listening to in the first place. How can somebody contribute to that which they despise?

And then sound of my email notification goes off, and it's someone asking about what to do with ugly paneling in a bathroom, and my spirit stirs.

23 comments:

  1. Oh love! You're not just adding to the noise... what you have to say is worth something, what you do is worth something. I'm so glad you're loving your new job. You're a lucky girl!
    Do what you love and you just can't go wrong. In fact, I'm finding the universe really does rise to meet you when you do. If that means you don't want to blog any more... well, I'll be sad, there might be tears, I'm not gonna lie. The world needs your kind of crazy.

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    1. Oh, and if you could see how proud I look when you comment on my blog... well, you might be a bit weirded out, but maybe a little chuffed too. I hope.

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    2. How is it that you can make me feel good AND like the dumbest girl in the class at the very same time? Always throwing words in your comments that I have to look up, Sammy McSmarty pants. Chuffed = very pleased. I'm going to work that into as many conversations as I can this week :)

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    3. Sorry... I'm Australian!

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  2. Welcome back -- we love you!!! You have so inspired me to the point where I have started my *own* blog!

    Please stick with us, even if it's only every other week. :-)

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    1. It's YOU who has stuck with ME, and my mid-life wishy washiness of figuring out where I'm supposed to be and what it's supposed to look like. Thank you!!

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  3. Ha.... at least you do put down thoughts in your blog and we do read them:-) I walk around with a thousand posts in my head, never writing them because really, the world needs another blogger? Don't think so. But the words are there, simmering and stirring and asking to be written. So you are not alone:-) glad to hear your job is giving you joy!

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    1. You SHOULD write them down. Not only for the world, but for YOU. In the book she talks about this very thing: "You may not be the first to say it, write it, create it, or believe it - but you saying it may be the first time someone finally hears. Yes, someone can say it better, but that doesn't mean you can't say it too."

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  4. Reading your musings is my guilty pleasure. I bet there are many like me saying, "Wow, really? Me too!". Keep it up, girlfriend. Whenever you get the chance is fine.

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    1. What the what?? I never really think about how what I write is perceived by others (other than hoping that it doesn't come across as if-you're-not-doing-it-like-this-you're-doing-it-wrong), but not in a million years would I have put it like that. What an honor!

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  5. You don't know how many times I questions if I should continue to blog! I look at my comments, which are nonexistent, unless of course, like the one I posted early this week, if you comment you might win a prize, I think what the heck am I doing? I feel like no one is reading or checking out my projects. Maybe now and then another design team member comments, but not all that often.
    Then I start to think about maybe someone is enjoying what I post, maybe someone is looking at a project and getting inspired to make something, maybe it is helping a small business grow.
    I do know that I enjoy creating and I do love sharing my creations with others.
    AND I enjoy hopping around to other peoples blogs and seeing what they have to say, what they have to show me, what they are thinking and feeling. And I gotta say, I do love reading your posts. Sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes they make me cry, sometimes they inspire me in some way and sometimes they just make me think. So keep on doing what you're doing. We do love seeing what you have to say.

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    1. It's hard, isn't it?

      The commenting thing doesn't bother me one way or the other, whether a post has lots of response or none at all, it's more a matter of "is this how I want to spend my time?" I thought that my brain would free up if I didn't post, but it seems to be the opposite! Your creations are a blessing to others, but sometimes the biggest blessing can be giving a place for all that energy to go. Maybe stop for awhile, and see how you feel. That's why I've come to the conclusion that stopping all together isn't the right answer - it just doesn't feel right.

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  6. I'm not a blogger just a working mom with way too much to do and so many unfulfilled ideas.... I love reading your blog because it is so REAL!!! I find you honest, funny, practical and inspiring!!! Do what you feel is right. Continue to love what you do. Enjoy!

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    1. You have my respect, Yolanda! That feeling of "unfulfilled ideas" is truly a burden. After a long day at work, finally getting home, doing homework, wrestling kids into bed, who has the energy to create anything? The weird thing is that working on a little something, no matter how insignificant, can give you MORE energy than just collapsing on the couch...at least sometimes.... ;) Thank you for your kind words!

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  7. Your words are truly inspiring to me. Been stalking your blog for a couple years and love it. You speak true stuff. No matter how frequently, no worries. Thanks for great words.

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    1. Years? You must be a glutton for punishment :) Truly, what a compliment. Thank you.

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  8. Rebecca- while this seems to be 'fluff' it's not. There is a lot of 'heavy' things in the world. A.LOT. And when someone comes to check in on you, the words are an encouragement, a distraction from the daily grind. The daily disappointments, the daily chaos. It's a breath of fresh air, it's a thought that life isn't all bad. that there is fun out there, that joy is out there among the grind. It might seem insignificant and not worthy. But it is! You matter, and your fluff matters! (hahah) Thing have been beaten to death, but that is exactly why we all need you. Your spin is refreshing and fun. and it makes me (and I'd bet, YOU) happy to see (and create). Feed your soul. it's good to get away from all the chaos and think happy thoughts. :) Thank you for being you. I enjoy knowing you, even if it's just a few postings when you get around to it!!

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    1. And this is Carrie - not Darren - just so you know it's from a Woman's perspective. :)

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    2. Ohhhhhh, Carrie! How do I even respond to a comment like that? To know that my life mission of having fun and lightening up amidst whatever circumstances surround you ACTUALLY CONVEYS across a computer screen makes me 50 Shades of Happy. You're so right: sometimes the little things are distractions. I suppose that's what makes me feel guilty, trying to analyze why I should share things that are trivial and meaningless in the eternal perspective of life. I feel like there should be a disclaimer on every post "these things do not matter". And yet somehow they do...

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  9. You must never stop writing! When I first found your blog, many years ago, I sat and read it for days, as if I was reading a book. I remember emailing to thank you!

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  10. You must never stop writing! When I first found your blog, many years ago, I sat and read it for days, as if I was reading a book. I remember emailing to thank you!

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  11. Blogging is SO important because it is your family and life history! The balance is hard to find, but once found, blogging will let your posterity know how awesome you are and how much you love them! I love blogging about my kidlets and my victories. I love hearing from people so I'm not a stalker, and I love all the ideas that I find. Good luck finding a balance! :)

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    1. The older I get, the more I realize is that balance is for the next life :) It's the half-way doing things that drives me crazy (unless it laundry, of course), but you are right: better some record, however intermittent, then none at all.

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