Wednesday, January 14, 2009

If It's Not One Thing

...well, you know the rest. I'm finally feeling better today after 2 days of being sick. And as that begins to go away, I can feel something else coming on...

Mm-hmm. THAT feeling. The constant feeling I have in the pit of my stomach reminding me that I have to speak in church on Sunday. Every moment of every day. Like some kind of sadistic countdown. I don't get it. Why is it that my husband some people can get up and speak in front of anybody, anytime about anything?

And then there's me. I'm as loud as they come when I'm in the safety of the crowd, tucked in the back of the room. But the moment I have to get up in front of people, my outspoken tendencies disappear and I'm left all sweaty with my heart racing, I begin to get a little light headed and then....

my mind goes blank. I literally have to write my whole stinkin talk down or I can't even remember my topic. And I hate the fact that I have to read every. single. word. because if I don't, I'll end up talking about tithing instead of missionary work or chastity when I'm supposed to be talking about service (although that would make for an interesting meeting).

You would think after 32 years I would be over it. I can remember having stage fright back when I was 6 and had piano recitals. We had to memorize our songs. I would practice and practice until I could play it in my sleep....and when it came to my turn, I couldn't even remember the first note.

And when I was in 6th grade and was the cheerleader that had to be in front and talk to the crowd with the microphone. Guaranteed that I would be in the bathroom at least 5 times anyday there was a rally.

And in junior high, being first chair clarinet meant that I had to come on stage and play first and the rest of the band would tune to me. Kill. Me. Now.

Speeches in high school, monologues in drama, playing the organ for years in front of a congregation....my life has been one big practice session of performing in front of people.

And yet the anxiety never leaves. No matter how many times I do things, it doesn't get any easier. Here I am, writing this stupid post about a stupid talk that I'm stupid to freak out about. So what if I suck?

The world won't end.

Nobody will boo me off the podium.

There's so many kids being loud, nobody will hear me anyways.

But will they see me as I'm passing out?

Serenity now.

8 comments:

  1. Being sick is NOT an excuse to miss a day of posting. But anyways, this one time in college, I had to give a presentation on child development (which is already kinda akward), and I knew no one would care, but I got so nervous about speaking/reading my notes/getting out of there(!) that I starting reading my notes so fast I wasn't making any sense, which caused everyone to really start to pay attention and look at me. Long story short, I skipped to my closing argument, turned beet red, and sat down in pure shame. I'm obviously not so great about speaking either, I feel your pain :) Good luck!

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  3. For some reason I just can't imagine you being so nervous! I KNOW you will do an awesome job. Good Luck! (So glad it's not me!)

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  4. I'll be in the congregation on Sunday and if you want I can hold up a great big thumbs up sign. Or maybe I'll just hold up both my thumbs the entire time. That way the attention will be drawn to me and my bizzare behavior. How's that?

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  5. Just grab that Halloween costume from last year -- no one will notice anything else. I'm just glad you're not announcing the sickness is morning sickness; everyone's getting prego on me.

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  6. So I was really hoping when you were warming us up with the sick feeling in your stomach you were setting us up for--- I'M PREGNANT! Dangit. That would have really given me a laugh.
    Let me tell you something my daddy told me. When the prophet and his councelors get up to speak in general conference they read their talks word-for-word too. And those talks are ALWAYS perfect. So don't worry about that. My dad is one of my favorite speakers (yes) and has been speaking almost every Sunday for years and he still has to write every single word out and stick to it or else. Simple straighforward talks are always the best ones.
    And if you pass out, just make sure you shaved.

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  7. Smile, smile... good luck! If it makes you feel better I'm giving the lesson in YW.

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  8. Well, you sure never showed that you were nervous. I always thought you were so confidant. You sure fooled me. Too bad you don't play poker, you clearly have a great poker face!
    I'd happily give a talk, it's teaching RS lessons that make me nervous. I still liked it, but in lessons there is always feedback/corrections from the people in the class. When you give a talk, though, people just have to sit there & take it. If you're wrong they can't tell you until after. So what did I do when I taught RS - bring treats to keep them busy chewing instead of telling me I was wrong. =)

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