The constant feeling I have in the pit of my stomach reminding me that I have to speak in church on Sunday. Every moment of every day. Like some kind of sadistic countdown.
I don't get it. Why is it that
my husband some people can get up and speak in front of anybody, anytime about anything?
And then there's me. I'm as loud as they come when I'm in the safety of the crowd, tucked in the back of the room. But the moment I have to get up in front of people, my outspoken tendencies disappear and I'm left all sweaty with my heart racing, I begin to get a little light headed and then....
my mind goes blank. I literally have to write my whole stinkin talk down or I can't even remember my topic. And I hate the fact that I have to read every. single. word. because if I don't, I'll end up talking about tithing instead of missionary work or chastity when I'm supposed to be talking about service (although that would make for an interesting meeting).
You would think after 32 years I would be over it. I can remember having stage fright back when I was 6 and had piano recitals. We had to memorize our songs. I would practice and practice until I could play it in my sleep....and when it came to my turn, I couldn't even remember the first note.
And when I was in 6th grade and was the cheerleader that had to be in front and talk to the crowd with the microphone. Guaranteed that I would be in the bathroom at least 5 times anyday there was a rally.
And in junior high, being first chair clarinet meant that I had to come on stage and play first and the rest of the band would tune to me. Kill. Me. Now.
Speeches in high school, monologues in drama, playing the organ for years in front of a congregation....my life has been one big practice session of performing in front of people.
And yet the anxiety never leaves. No matter how many times I do things, it doesn't get any easier. Here I am, writing this stupid post about a stupid talk that I'm stupid to freak out about. So what if I suck?
The world won't end.
Nobody will boo me off the podium.
There's so many kids being loud, nobody will hear me anyways.
But will they see me as I'm passing out?