Friday, August 29, 2008

Is This Some Kind Of Joke?

Journaling time. I am a horrible person. I used to think of my self as quite average, with strengths and weaknesses that pretty much balanced each other out. I now know that the scale is indeed tipped to the rotten side, and I'm waiting for the moment that the oompa -loompas are going to show up and declare me a "bad egg" just like Veruca Salt. I guess I should back up and ask: Is this a real book, and has everyone been reading it the past few days? I have never had more conversations with people that I could really care less about. Usually I can find at least something interesting in a what people are saying, but lately, it's like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Wah wah wah-wah wah. And no, it's not everybody, but quite a few. Okay, on further reflection, it's almost everybody. I confessed my horrible thoughts to my husband who, true to form, took the analytical male perspective. He can't really help it, I suppose. His conclusions were that #1. I'm hormonal (and nobody knows my hormones better than him) and #2. I'm not really a bad person because I never actually expressed my annoyance to the persons involved, I just thought it. But to me, thinking it is the problem. I'm certainly not cruel enough to tell a person to their face that it's time they stopped talking. Forever. So if I'm just smiling and being polite, I am being fake. And there are few things that I hate more than insincerity. If you are a genuine Christ-like person, when somebody is telling you a story you should be interested, right? You shouldn't be like me and focusing on, "Is this going to be much longer?" In the past 11 years -that's right, since children have entered the picture-I feel like I've developed a lot of patience. Not because I'm a great person, but because I've had to, otherwise I would have ended up in a padded room (you're still going to meet me there, right Julia?). It's like you're never supposed to pray for strength, because then you get trials. I've learned that when you pray for patience, you get children. But now I'm wondering if all of that has just been a distraction, and if in reality, I haven't made any progress at all. Maybe all the noise and confusion that comes with family life has been so loud that it's drowned out the sound of the inner me. And that me is thoroughly irritated.

7 comments:

  1. WHAT?!? Are you telling me you're NOT perfect? CRAZY TALK!

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  2. Well, even if you are NOT perfect....at least you ARE beautiful.

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  3. i'll meet ya there right now if that means i can escape all these boys! :) i'm sure they still have a 2-4-1 deal. heck, i'll do a layaway plan and tell e to fall lapse on payments. alright, i'll have a free, quiet, permanent vacation. woohoo, i'm in!

    (i'm lame and not taking the time to log-in and jump through all the hoops for my name to pop-up. i'm working on my pre-calc homework, only after i check blogs.) e & i just had the same discussion a few nights ago. despite what my husband says, i'm horrible at telling people no. perhaps it's because i've mastered the fake smile and the that's-not-that-funny-but-i'll-still-laugh-because-you-might-take-it-personal-if-i-don't laugh. maybe it's in our blood. we're all people pleasers, just some more so than others.

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  4. maybe next time i'll proofread my comments before i post them...

    delete fall, or add behind and take out lapse.

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  5. I get that way sometimes. Kinda like when people call to "talk" and all you do is roll your eyes during the whole conversation because you really don't care to hear what they have to say.

    I know when I'm stressed is when I'm like that the most.

    You're not crazy. And thank goodness for my "crazy" pills (antidepressants), or you would see someone real crazy.

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  6. I was JUST talking about this to my visiting teaching comp! I asked if she emailed, hoping she did, so that I wouldn't have to waste my time talking on the phone! Don't get me wrong, sometimes I need to talk on the phone, but there are LOTS of days where I wish I never had a phone! I keep saying, "blah, blah, blah... you just wasted 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back". (PS on my period, so does my comment still count)

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